No choice 

When I was little, I remember fantasizing about the glorious day when I would be standing in a wedding dress. I would over fantasize about the theme, and how my dress would look, how many people would attend, who I would end up marrying (I usually just inserted whichever boy I was dating at the time lol), and I held this fantasy so true to heart. Today I had a conversation with one of my best friends and found myself in the very opposite point of view. Those Ideas only once generated because there was actually someone in my life to actually fantasize about. However, there is none of that fantasizing now for that very reason, therefore my future dreams/goals only ever involve myself and I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. 

I had no choice but to one day stop thinking that everyboy that came my way could potentially be my husband, but my mind ran these conclusions so persistently yet so inaccurately… I had no choice but to break this train of thought. This was especially true after I’ve lost all hope, and  my childhood fantasies no longer served me or made sense to my reality. One day I just had no choice but to decide ME and nothing else. I then realized that no one could ever give me what I truly desired or ever imagined on this earth but myself, and I’m more than happy planning things ahead with only me in mind because no one has ever done that for me, so I take it upon myself to give myself the world. Not to toot my own horn, but one of the things that I’m proud of saying publicly relates to independence and of course my FAVORITE topic of all self-love, in which I stated this: “Live your damn life until a man proves he can add unto the life you’ve already established for yourself,” and I’m going to go even further and say to CONTINUE living your damn life even when you do, because you were living, breathing, and functioning way before his exsistence and you shouldn’t have to ask for permission to breath even if you’re sharing the same air. 

Live your life as if you had no choice but to live as if no one will ever come, and be content with this possibility, as absurd as it may sound, but that’s how you know that once it does, that other person will not rule your life and codependency won’t take complete reign. Live your life as if you had absolutely no other option but to love yourself relentlessly, and do this as if that is your only duty. Love yourself so much that no force of negativity or evil can break down your walls of security, but when they do you’ll continue to love despite tribulation and brokenness. 

But remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup, and if you have nothing in your cup to give it’s because YOU need to fill it yourself. All the love in the world will not suffice unless you are reciprocating exactly the kind of  love you need from your own love tank. 

Move out of your own way

Do you ever workout feverishly for a few days in a row and then feel that you’ve conquered the world and then “reward” yourself with giving yourself lee-way for all the hard work you’ve done, and don’t decide to workout again until your confidence has run dry? Woah… that was a long informercial question, but this is my real life. This is my workout regime. I’ll do good for a few days or even a week and then won’t decide to workout again until months later. Yes, crazy. Well if you’re anything like me this post is for you. I originally wrote this to be a caption for one of my Instagram photos but wrote such a long caption that I just turned it into a blog instead. This is for the unmotivated, wishy washy, doubtful people who can’t seem to create a concrete regime to change their body to what they envision, because they’re the ones that are standing in their own way. This is for you: 
It took me hours to get out of bed this morning. My plan was to wake up early in the morning to get a workout in before breakfast and then go about my day in satisfaction knowing that I fell through with my initial plan. However, I didn’t start my workout until 9pm. 
What finally got me up on my feet and ready to fight my emotions was the same thought that rose me out of bed this morning, which was simply this: if I don’t get up now, when will I ? This question permeated my thoughts until I grasped the courage to shut every other voice that told me I had nothing else to do today anyway, managed to convince my mind that I am capable of moving my body today then I let my body lead the way. 
That question sank in and I asked my self over and over, if I don’t do it now when will I take the initiative to do it. I then began to see every passing second as an opportunity lost but it wasn’t until after hours later of contemplating, and fighting thoughts of doubt and lethargy, that my body got up. 
Today, I worked out for for a full hour. That’s more than I have worked out in MONTHS, I mean MONTHS. Just a few weeks ago, I remember I couldn’t get through even 10 measly minutes of intense cardio, and today I accomplish a full hour of strength training. I can’t wait until I get a gym membership again, and I can’t wait until I have the amount of money I need for meal prepping, and I most definitely can’t wait until I FEEL like working out because I’m not always going to feel like it, and you shouldn’t either. Don’t wait until you have all the necessary amenities or, finances, or motivation, or transportation or qualification in order to do what you want to do, DO IT NOW, when it’s the first thing on your to-do list but last thing on your lists of things completed. Then ask yourself, if you don’t do it now, what if you never have the chance to do it later ? 
I made the bold decision today of celebrating my body, to put it to use and celebrate its flawed yet functional design and told myself that if I don’t do it now in order to get the body to where I’m comfortable and confident, I’ll always make excuses and never reach my end results. I did it today so that I will one day be able to reclaim my stength and create my own definition of a dancers body. To be able to feel like my limbs move effortlessly without subconsciously thinking about my reflection in the mirror. 
I think what really got me to work ou today was the fact that I haven’t seen much change in my body for over 2 years, and I can’t stand to go another year with excessive skin on my body that continues to accumulate on the scale. However, I’m not so concerned with the number on the scale but the way I feel in which my body navigates itself. It’s less energetic, less motivated, it’s created stretch marks in every possible area and I just know that I cannot go another year with a body that I have not taken proper care of, and I don’t want to keep wishing that I could have taken better care of myself like I have for the last couple of years now. 

I made a declaration to myself today vowing that I will workout at least 20 minutes a day (every week day) no matter what compiled my schedule, no matter what level of stress I’m experiencing, no matter how unmotivated or emotional I feel, that I simply have to put all of my thoughts to silence and move my body regardless of what was going through my head, and motivate myself throughout the process of huffing and puffing through every second. The only thing that sustained me throughout my hour workout today was this: “You didn’t start this now, to quit this soon!,” so I didn’t stop. There were times where I felt my form was off, and many many reps where I no longer felt my muscles contracting the way they should because they were just too tired, but I couldn’t stop just because I didn’t feel like challenging myself or because my body wasn’t cooperating with me 100%. I made this commitment and even took a picture of my body before my workout, which I’m too embarrassed to share now, but  a month from now I will be sharing my 30 day transformation pic of my body from Jan. 9, 2016 to my body on Feb. 9, 2016. I’ve never done this before and I’m extremely excited to show everyone my results, most importantly excited to finally hold myself accountable and sharing this with you all now holds me to another level of accountability in which is different, opposed to me just keeping it to myself, because I know if I keep this to myself I won’t have a problem with letting myself down, but placing my expectations in the open like this has me in desperation to strive for what I’ve never accomplished. No matter if I workout for 2 hours, or 1 hour, or 20 minutes a day I will push my body to complete the task at hand and prove my mind that negative thinking will not take precedence in my life and lead my everyday lifestyle, but I will train my mind to percervere so that I can astonish myself with the results that I never thought I could achieve to begin with.