Knowing When to Be Still

Right now, in this very moment, in this very season of stagnancy I have encountered peace. Peace despite not knowing what will happen in the future, and at the same time, the kind of peace that has made amends with the obscurities of my past for the better. They all meet me here in the present, standing still, providing me with a much higher level of awareness yet still unsure, but not shaken.

I’m currently in a weird state of blocking. Blocking in a sense that their is absolutely no one that I’m currently involved with, plan to involve myself with or anything anyone coming from the receiving end. It’s an anointed state of blocking to say the least because for the first time in my life, I’m not being swormed with guys, and neither am I craving that sort of attention. There’s no one in my DM’s, no creep in my face book messenger, no random dude in my twitter inbox, no late night snap chat surprises, NOTHING. I think this is because I gave up the role of match maker and just decided to live my life. I’ve decided that dating is a trivially meaningless game of nothing and that I would finally focus on founding a future for myself. I think about my future now without missing a beat, but I wasn’t always like this (if you’ve been keeping up with my rants, you know), it took a few storms to rattle me into the person I am at this very moment in time.

Our individual storms are deliberate appointments from God to change our life, perception, and habits around and after experiencing what was the worst relationship for me personally, I realized that it was time to do things differently. In just a few short days I will go on a year since I’ve been single, and this year alone has been my biggest year of self assessment. I recall gambling with God on who I would pursue and who I wouldn’t, and in the event that someone does not work out for me, I’d stop looking, that was my deal with God. But boyyyyyyyyyyyyy was God gambling with me. After a few years of saying “Okay God, I’ll be single for a while…” and after repetitively breaking that promise that I proposed time and time again, God allowed me to experience the most toxic relationship of all time. He did so to prove to me that he knows exactly what he’s doing, and that he has it already planned out, precisely – without my permission. Unfortunately, since I didn’t listen again even after the most draining relationship ever, God showed me once again that I truly needed to take a break, and once again I was paired with someone that could not add a single cent of fulfillment to my life and just a few months ago realized that I was beginning to spiral in the same endless cycle, with the SAME type of guy.

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Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that my life is just so much more important than being with someone else, that’s actually the least of my concerns. If you find yourself in the same kind of relational ruin that broke you to begin with, it’s time to re-frame the direction of your life, and help God HELP YOU. You shouldn’t want to have to change someone because that’s not your job, and neither is putting up with mistreatment or difficulty.. realize that your time of singleness and discovery should take place after everything that could have possibly go wrong, went wrong. When there is nothing else you could have done differently is when your life should just be about you. If all you’ve done is singleness & seek, try channeling singleness & stillness. If the same people keep coming into your life, and you keep going through different versions of the same sad story, seriously it’s time to take a seat. Find total contentment in your singleness that when another fool enters your life, you know exactly what to do: “Middle fingers up, wave them hands high, put it in his face, tell em BOYBYE,” and don’t be sorry.

One time when I was listening to moody radio, this one lady tuned in to share a few words on the radio about how she was utterly satisfied with her single life, she said that if God called her to remain single for the rest of her life, she would live in complete happiness. At first hearing that, I laughed and thought that she was mentally ill, but now I make those same declarations, and I do them quite often. Living in this state of mind has made me content, and I’m learning to foster my supreme state of independence in order to fully allow myself to further develop cognitively, spiritually, academically and so on. Establish something so concrete, and detailed to the point that with an addition or subtraction of a significant other,  your plans will not waver. Don’t live your life waiting around for something magical to happen to you because all the magic you’ll ever need is staring right back at you when you look in the mirror. Like I always say: “No one can complete you, you’re already complete. They only compliment you” (something like that)…. and if they cant even compliment your life, cut the cord.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Come clean.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve gone through not one but a few romantic misfortunes that in the end, reverts back to why you’re not enough and it’s all because “you’re the problem”. I believe love, just like any relationship is like an equation, it is the sum or product or division of decisions that two individuals intentionally/unintentionally bring into existence, and frankly speaking, or mathematically speaking, there is a principal that makes it mathematically impossible to multiply ANY number by zero. Just like you cannot create a fulfilling relationship out of someone who has absolutely ZERO to offer you. In the same sense, you won’t be able to engage in a lasting relationship if you have nothing to offer yourself. 

If you’re also like me, you’ve also had the habit of preconceiving future encounters with past significant others as a sign of destiny, or simply perceive if people keep coming into your path that it is meant for you. At a very young age, I became extremely narrow minded  when it came to boyfriends, and enjoyed playing the role of God, and would always subconsciously enjoin myself with who ever I thought best fit (which were very few). I remember fixating my entire world around involving myself with someone who would love me completely, because one of my biggest fears have always been that I would live the rest of my life alone (which is still a fear of mine til this day), but I quickly, and at a very young age saw myself playing this game of matchmaker in spite of romantically securing my spot in a boy’s life for good. Although I had slight interests of my own, I was never able to fully care for myself enough to think about what I wanted in life, other than playing matchmaker. I still vividly remember my conscious thought cycle of maintaining the premature love I once encountered at a young age, and then anticipating the return of an old love, to once and for all say goodbye to the agony of being a hopeless romantic.

I recall loosing myself at a tender age because I was told I was insecure, and I knew I was but the fact that I had that constantly projected unto me, put me into a deeper whole. Unfortunately some people can only see others through the vantage point of themselves. If someones always negative, they see themselves in a negative light. If someone’s always mad, they are probably mad about the circumstances that have hindered them or have had control over there life, leaving them no control. Therefore when someone projects things on you in order to blame you for why things aren’t going good, it’s only a representation of how they see themselves. Even though it may be true, you may be insecure, you may be antisocial, or whatever the case maybe, that still does not give the right for anyone to label you as such and place you as a scapegoat for the real issue.

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Run from those who say you’re hard to love, because they have not learned how to even love themselves. As we mature, we all learn how to authentically love ourselves for our true self. So if anyone says you’re too hard to love, or hardly shows you that they care, or displays wavering inconsistent “love” towards you, it’s due to their capacity in which they’ve come to love themselves. You must learn to develop the thickest of skin and realize that not everything that you loose is a lost, and not everything that has found you is yours to keep.

As cliche as it sounds, some people are only in your life for a season. Regardless if life has paired you with the love of your life, then broke your heart, or just brought you total chaos from the start, the people we connect with and the experiences we have with those people serve to teach us more about others and most importantly, more about ourselves. So next time when you’re multiplying yourself with someone else, and it doesn’t seem to have an ending product, that’s because there was nothing there to begin with. Don’t try to rewrite what was already written or justify why things went wrong and start a beginning of your own. Life has it’s own way of redirecting you and cutting ties between you and others for divine reasons. Don’t play into the fantasies of your mind that try and persuade you that things would be better off if you tried them again and gave things another try. Trust in the good and the bad, and believe that everything happens to keep you from harms way. Doors close for a reason, so that you lock everything behind you, with no intent on looking back.

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If you find yourself in a romantic rut that appears to have no future in sight, reconsider what it is that you’re bringing into the relationship. I now firmly believe in attracting what you are (to some degree), and everything that has a gravitational pull towards you can be a direct or indirect reflection of yourself. Critically analyzing things that come your way can also serve as a good self assessment tool in order to differentiate if someone is being introduced to your life because they have something to add unto your life, or if they are simply there to awaken you of an aspect within yourself that needs correcting for future romantic endeavors. In the end you have to ask yourself, what is it about this person that is drawn to me, and why? Are there any negative attributes of this person that I can identify with/ have previously identified with ? Etc. I can personally attest that those who I’ve attracted have always possessed a questionable characteristic of myself that I’ve learned to distinguish from over time. More importantly, what is hindering within you, that you haven’t dealt with ? Make it easier on yourself and specify the things you need to come clean within yourself, before life throws you another version of you, or something far worse with some neighboring attributes to really wake you up.

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In the same token, it is equally important to invest in yourself and identify your own faults before involving yourself with someone else, because essentially you are what you attract in some degree. Come clean with yourself, to start clean with your love life. History is bound to repeat, so make sure it’s worth repeating. Come clean with the cycles within yourself to curb the unfortunate cycles of life’s blows.