Right now, in this very moment, in this very season of stagnancy I have encountered peace. Peace despite not knowing what will happen in the future, and at the same time, the kind of peace that has made amends with the obscurities of my past for the better. They all meet me here in the present, standing still, providing me with a much higher level of awareness yet still unsure, but not shaken.
I’m currently in a weird state of blocking. Blocking in a sense that their is absolutely no one that I’m currently involved with, plan to involve myself with or anything anyone coming from the receiving end. It’s an anointed state of blocking to say the least because for the first time in my life, I’m not being swormed with guys, and neither am I craving that sort of attention. There’s no one in my DM’s, no creep in my face book messenger, no random dude in my twitter inbox, no late night snap chat surprises, NOTHING. I think this is because I gave up the role of match maker and just decided to live my life. I’ve decided that dating is a trivially meaningless game of nothing and that I would finally focus on founding a future for myself. I think about my future now without missing a beat, but I wasn’t always like this (if you’ve been keeping up with my rants, you know), it took a few storms to rattle me into the person I am at this very moment in time.
Our individual storms are deliberate appointments from God to change our life, perception, and habits around and after experiencing what was the worst relationship for me personally, I realized that it was time to do things differently. In just a few short days I will go on a year since I’ve been single, and this year alone has been my biggest year of self assessment. I recall gambling with God on who I would pursue and who I wouldn’t, and in the event that someone does not work out for me, I’d stop looking, that was my deal with God. But boyyyyyyyyyyyyy was God gambling with me. After a few years of saying “Okay God, I’ll be single for a while…” and after repetitively breaking that promise that I proposed time and time again, God allowed me to experience the most toxic relationship of all time. He did so to prove to me that he knows exactly what he’s doing, and that he has it already planned out, precisely – without my permission. Unfortunately, since I didn’t listen again even after the most draining relationship ever, God showed me once again that I truly needed to take a break, and once again I was paired with someone that could not add a single cent of fulfillment to my life and just a few months ago realized that I was beginning to spiral in the same endless cycle, with the SAME type of guy.
Now, I’ve come to the conclusion that my life is just so much more important than being with someone else, that’s actually the least of my concerns. If you find yourself in the same kind of relational ruin that broke you to begin with, it’s time to re-frame the direction of your life, and help God HELP YOU. You shouldn’t want to have to change someone because that’s not your job, and neither is putting up with mistreatment or difficulty.. realize that your time of singleness and discovery should take place after everything that could have possibly go wrong, went wrong. When there is nothing else you could have done differently is when your life should just be about you. If all you’ve done is singleness & seek, try channeling singleness & stillness. If the same people keep coming into your life, and you keep going through different versions of the same sad story, seriously it’s time to take a seat. Find total contentment in your singleness that when another fool enters your life, you know exactly what to do: “Middle fingers up, wave them hands high, put it in his face, tell em BOYBYE,” and don’t be sorry.
One time when I was listening to moody radio, this one lady tuned in to share a few words on the radio about how she was utterly satisfied with her single life, she said that if God called her to remain single for the rest of her life, she would live in complete happiness. At first hearing that, I laughed and thought that she was mentally ill, but now I make those same declarations, and I do them quite often. Living in this state of mind has made me content, and I’m learning to foster my supreme state of independence in order to fully allow myself to further develop cognitively, spiritually, academically and so on. Establish something so concrete, and detailed to the point that with an addition or subtraction of a significant other, your plans will not waver. Don’t live your life waiting around for something magical to happen to you because all the magic you’ll ever need is staring right back at you when you look in the mirror. Like I always say: “No one can complete you, you’re already complete. They only compliment you” (something like that)…. and if they cant even compliment your life, cut the cord.